If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.
BUTTERFLY CONFESSION #1-I miss my cocoon.
All I know is that I miss this.
I miss writing…
Well, it’s more than that.
Writing is the space I allow myself to hold up the mirror. It is the deeper place where I come emotionally naked and unashamed. The place where I check on the condition of wounds still healing, blemishes uncovered and hang-ups begging to be sorted and pressed out.
Through words I am also able to celebrate sacred moments, honor those I love and lean on, speak life to present dreams and growing things. I had become accustomed to the snuggled-in-corner-view of life -stationed in my favorite chair, holding close my favorite book, sipping from my favorite cup, anchored in my favorite fuzzy socks. Quiet hours of reflection, scheduled coffee with deep thinking friends, constant streaming of creativity tap dancing through my fingers on lettered keys.
Ahhh I miss the undisturbed writer’s life…
I haven’t posted since Easter and I miss y’all. Meeting with you here makes me feel connected to the people who get me. You share of yourself every time you take the time to read a post, share a comment or post a like. I am so grateful for you. And I feel responsible to this little community of viewers that I know personally and those I haven’t got to know yet to keep showing up here. Even if it is not at the pace I first set- I will keep returning.
I have to…
Because I am still a writer. A very busy full-time working advocate, Momma of three, trying to still be my Hubby’s girlfriend, daughter, friend, mentor, sister-WRITER, I be. LOL! I know your list is probably longer than mine, but you get where I’m going –I gotta have a life to write about! Right?
Regardless of your art, be it cooking, painting, singing, ministry –without a palette of life experiences to draw from who would we share our gifts with.
BUTTERFLY CONFESSION #2-Change is a struggle.
I wanted so bad to go to my cell group last night,but I just couldn’t get there.
I haven’t seen this amazing circle of women of faith and fun for weeks. My isolation from them was becoming unbearable-like a gnawing, quiet, ache growing stronger I could no longer ignore the pain. I needed to see MY GIRLS and I needed to see them now. Quick calls, Facebook messages and short texts can’t compare to face-to- face, soul-to-soul , life-to-life together time.
But after a nine hour day, crazy traffic commute, Hubby’s evening call (saying he had to go back into work for the night), track training at the gym with the kids, homework with the Babygirl and a stupid Pizza Hut e-gift card that wouldn’t work for take-out-I wasn’t done with my day time 8:30pm!
The kiddos blew me kisses and walked contently into the house with steaming brown boxes in hand and I sat frozen in the van.
“Just go Honey, get what little bit you can.”
Eric had just pulled up moments ago and he could read my melt down from afar.
“Okay.” I said with my mouth, but knew in my heart that it was too late-I wasn’t.
I wanted more than just a little bit…
BUTTERFLY CONFESSION #3-Real change happens in little bits.
Little bits is my new reality right now. Little bit of quiet time, little bit with girlfriends, little bit of a run, little bit of cleaning, little bit of writing-I’m getting tired of little bit. I wanted longer-still– thank you very much!! Longer time and stiller moments with people I miss and love.
But that ain’t happening. That is not the journey God has placed in my path right now to steward and I know this. Truth is I love this new place of work, ministry and adventure with Black Parent Initiative- back in my place of roots of NE Portland. This is my new place of art, of community circle, of sacred work.
God is asking me to spread my wings, not just for myself -but for and with others. Not the circle that I chose, but the precious ones He hand picks
for me to impact. Ummhumm, it ain’t all about me.
OUCH. And well, I guess I still need time to adjust, vent a bit, and take moments like this morning to pout about it. LOL-bless you for bearing with me.
GOTTA GO….life is calling….bout to go spread these wings.