I’m struggling y’all and I got to keep it real.
So how is it that on Monday I was pumped to; deep clean, set schedules, wash dishes and laundry, cook huge soul-food dinner (with desert), read books, check in with each kid and tuck in bed…
And RIGHT NOW…
I don’t want to see a broom, dish, GOOGLE calendar, chicken wing, Dr. Seuss character, or an adolescent attitude-AND I WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO GETS TO GO TO BED FIRST TONIGHT!
And this whole age long debate over which is harder being a working or stay at home Momma just needs to stop! I’m doing both right now and it’s ALL HARD. Each have it’s perks and it’s problems.
(Single-Momma’s-you are seriously God’s angels in disguise and you got a one-up on us all).
No matter where you find yourself on the Momma path do you ever want to just be done with it?-this Momma does!
Yep I said it! I want to strike, drop-out-quit-the mundane, everyday-stick-to-it, domestic requirements of being a woman. Can I get a witness?
I can’t keep up.
I can’t keep up with the messes, routines, Food Network recipes in boxes, development stages, emotional needs of each of my children and hot date night with Hubby.
At least not today…
How do I reconcile both my domestic diva spurts and domestic dropout pouts? It’s like having Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey at war living in the same house.
Half the week I love to lace up apron, stir in spices and lay out Pinterest dining room table. Other half, I want to click in heels or hike in boots to the jazziest restaurant or highest mountains.
Wanta purchase a plane ticket straight out of my messy nest and head to the Nuyorican in New York or better yet, national parks of Nairobi-but I can’t.
At least not today…
This morning as I’m asking my heart what it’s really thirsting for-why am I feeling split in two-this is what is coming up…
Embrace your love for ordered rooms, fancy feasts, full hearts, extended communion with family and friends and I leave open uncharted road, relaxation, adventure, goal-reaching and sacred solitude.
Both are YOU and both are IMPORTANT TO ME!
You may not be able walk daily in both pairs of shoes but don’t toss either out for the Goodwill truck to pick up.
Your heart is a dwelling place I desire for beauty that needs the same attention to the detail, diligence and duty you desire for your physical dwelling place. And it takes TIME, REORDERING and DAILY PICK-UP for me to transform you into who I created you to be.
God is showing me I am placing too much value to my Martha tendencies and ignoring my Mary heart that needs desperately to stop, sit awhile- and be with him SO HE CAN DO HIS WORK IN ME.
Why do I keep ignoring his invitation to be still?
Because other’s can see the days that I do chose you. Often times leaving my home and my children out of order. And I don’t to be judged. Especially as a christian wife and mother I am also suppose to be your example of domestic perfection- right?
And I wrestled with the deep guilt that kepts coming up when I began to admit honest feelings of frustration and resentment for my discontentment with my role as wife and mom.
Wait,wait, no…. it’s not the role of wife and mom it’s the requirements of maintaining at optimium level, to keep up the necessary pieces to execute my passion for being the best Wifey and Momma I desire to be.
But what if our spirits, hearts and minds are equally cluttered and disarrayed-isn’t that just as important? Although you can’t see the cobwebs in my thinking or the piles of dreams stacked high in my soul-they are there-and they are needing attention-and so do yours!
So today instead of reaching for my color-coded planner, let’s ask God to stay awhile in this quiet moment and paint wide strokes of freedom over our hearts.
We are here.
Please give us freedom to give up the “keep up” and receive what is needed for you to “keep” our souls.
And whatever you chose for us this day that needs our service and your glory- rather it be the folding of sheets or the fanning of dreams-we surrender.
As long as you stay close, so we don’t lose sight, of the beauty you desire to create in us through the work of our hands.
(and not our roles or to-do lists).